tainted love.

yep. that's right. i am playing BAD 80's music on the radio right now.

tyler is camping tonight and tomorrow night with andrew and dean. i think it is really cool that he is going on a camping trip with the boys in my family and making that effort without me there with him. i would be really happy to see him have a relationship with them aside from them being my brother and step dad. ya know? i will miss him though. we aren't apart very often. i haven't slept in the bed by myself since september. it will be weird. and also... i don't really hang out with anyone BUT tyler. i don't know what i am going to do tonight! i'm not into doing anything requiring a lot of energy. usually tyler and i would just watch some tv series or a movie or something... i suppose i could watch some movie that we have that he isn't interested in? i'll figure it out. perhaps work on darcy's baby quilt (that's right, still not finished) or read a book. i think movie and quilt will win. and then try and get a good night's sleep.

you wouldn't believe how hard it is to GET a camping spot if you haven't reserved it months in advance. my mom and i went out to ellison to find the boys a spot early this morning and get it all taken care of while they were at work... we got there no later than 8:30. there are like 20 ish spots that are first come first serve and cannot be reserved. we drove around for a while looking for one that said '30' on the little marker, meaning they might be packing up and heading home today. there were very few. and what a lot of people had done (which i hear you are NOT supposed to be able to do) is already arranged it with the people there, and the signs just said 'TAKEN'. total bummer. we found one, and my mom got out to go and ask the people if they were heading home today... and as soon as she got out of the car, another woman walked up and said they had been there since 7 and were waiting for the people to wake up. it was a double spot, and she said they needed both. we were kind of annoyed at that point. when we talked to the camp attendant, he said they don't get involved and it is first come first serve. we could see it getting very pushy and aggressive very quickly. so we decided to go out to the campground that tyler likes to go to - evely. it is just a forestry campground close to fintry. nice beach for swimming though.

we found them a spot right on the lake. and the park attendant was MUCH nicer and more helpful, and had a system to make sure that order was respected and first come first serve really happened. we set up the tent. and headed back home. my mom was CERTAIN dean would complain that they weren't at ellison. but when we told him the story, he thought it was better we got the spot we did. the only one with a complaint was andrew. oh well. he can suck it up. tyler says they are having a great time.

i have been feeling boring and gross looking again. sick of my clothes. sick of my hair. sick of my whole look. too lazy to wear make up. too lazy to wear anything other than jean shorts and various tank tops most of the time. nothing excites me about this. i talked to tyler's sister about getting a hair cut. she is going to try and fit me in next week i think, which would be GREAT. i told her i needed to definitely clean my hair up, and other than keeping some length... i was totally open to any suggestions on how to spice things up. i don't know what i want. i never know what i want. i like hairdressers who TELL me what i should do. usually i have fun hair cuts. it hasn't been cut in like a year though... aside from my bangs. which i actually cut myself the last time, and i didn't do the BEST job... but what can i say? i'm not a hairdresser. i used to just hack my own hair when i started feeling this blah feeling. at one point i had the best mirror situation, and i could see the whole back of my head. it worked out alright for a while... until we moved and i didn't have the great mirrors and totally botched it. i vowed to never cut my own hair again. i also went through a phase of cutting my friends hair. i thought for a little while about going to hair school... and for some reason totally dismissed the idea. i think i could be a great hairdresser.

my friend tamara is coming into town tomorrow evening. we're supposed to hang out. i don't really know if that will ACTUALLY happen or not. you never know with her. but it would be nice. considering i am sans tyler tomorrow night too. she said we could talk about some wedding decorations and plans together.

truthfully... i am feeling overwhelmed again and not sure AT ALL what to do. i am having such a hard time with the whole big picture stuff. and figuring out how exactly we are going to pay for everything. we have to rent bathrooms, because everyone using the bathrooms in my mom's house isn't realistic. tables. chairs. and all that stuff is expensive. mostly the portable bathrooms. what colours am i going to do the table cloths? napkins? what will i have for center pieces? is this all going to look good together? or will it look cluttered and tacky and not classy? I DON'T KNOW! and its stressing me out. i couldn't get the big picture for colours for dresses and stuff either, until i found a picture that had all three of the colours i wanted in one image... and then i knew what colours i wanted. even now, i doubt them and how they will look executed the way i will.

agh.

need to stop worrying probably. i'm sure it will be fine.

i keep thinking back to the first wedding pictures i fell in love with, when all of my online wedding lurking started. it was so simple. black white and red. almost nothing on the tables. small candles and some red flower petals. thats it. white chairs. black table clothes with a black on black stripe. perhaps black table clothes. white chairs. and just some small candles and peacock feathers in a vase on each table. yah? any thoughts? something you have seen or thing would look nice? i sort of have an idea of how we can build the tent and make it look really nice. i feel pretty good about that. and i think it will work to make it with clear plastic (vapor barrier). and i THINK i just want to have twinkly lights under the tent. maybe some white round chinese lanterns or whatever (you know what i mean?). what do you think about that? any ideas? simple?

... and i think that is just about where i'm at.