ahead by a century.

i was talking to doug last night, and i realized something.

this summer has been really awesome for me. i have had so much fun hanging out with my cousins. getting to know them. but it is more than just that. i grew up without family like that. i didn't have cousins or aunts and uncles. it was lonely. especially when we moved around and i was homeschooled. i always envied my friends who had cousins that they were really close with and who they had spent their entire lives with. i didn't have that.

since reuniting with our extended family i have definitely felt like an outsider. i'm a lot older than all my cousins. most of them are so shy with me because i am so much older than them. and they don't know me. because i haven't been around. we don't live close. and i usually hang out with the adults anyway. but i don't really fit in with the adults either. i didn't grow up in the same household. i have sort of felt like i was in this weird limbo place. i have definitely made some effort to get to know people and be a part of something (this blog for one) and it has slowly changed and improved. but i never really felt like i fit in. or like i could completely be myself... because... well the whole religious thing is a big difference. or i worried it was, anyway.

this summer a lot of those worries and weird feelings have gone away. it is a really good feeling for me. the realization of how hard everyone worked and cared. and it was my day. the way everything happened... the whole production of my wedding and the parts that absolutely everyone played... i could just feel how much i was loved. it was my belief that a wedding is really about love. the love between two people. but i learned that it was so much more than that. it was the love shared by family and friends. it was amazing.

the party afterwards, i was honoured to be followed around by a group of my little girl cousins. all wanting a turn to dance with me, and when i agreed to dance with one, they would pull in all the other ones and it was a big circle. the way they looked at me and smiled at me. it was really cool. it was a very special feeling. all of my aunts and uncles who worked tirelessly for the days leading up to, and continuously on the day of. your love made my special day possible. it made all the magic happen. the magic of my wedding was love, and it came from everywhere. i couldn't help but smile from start to finish. i was riding the high of the most powerful energy i may have ever felt.

so... that is what my thank you is for. thank you for making me feel like a part of something. this summer has brought me to feel like i am really a part of this family. i do belong. even if there are differences... there is still a place for me. that is what i have wanted to feel.

the weeks following with caleb and zach visiting have been so much fun. we spent so many days hanging out the group of us. just laughing and having fun. everyone helping each other. zach or andrew helping rhiannon climb down steep cliffs and reassuring her she could do it and they would help (normally she would just get really upset and ruin it for everyone else). and rhiannon having fun and going along with what other people were into although i know it wasn't her favourite. i can't really explain what it has been like... but there are things that link all of us. we share common interests with each other. we have enjoyed each other's company. we all have the same sarcastic sense of humour. we tease each other. and then of course... the fact that everyone (aside from me... of course) has a similar look about them. its fun.

i am so glad to be a part of this family. and i enjoy every one of you. i look forward to getting the chance to spend more time with everybody and getting to know everyone and being a part of their lives. thanks for giving me that.