tainted love.

yep. that's right. i am playing BAD 80's music on the radio right now.

tyler is camping tonight and tomorrow night with andrew and dean. i think it is really cool that he is going on a camping trip with the boys in my family and making that effort without me there with him. i would be really happy to see him have a relationship with them aside from them being my brother and step dad. ya know? i will miss him though. we aren't apart very often. i haven't slept in the bed by myself since september. it will be weird. and also... i don't really hang out with anyone BUT tyler. i don't know what i am going to do tonight! i'm not into doing anything requiring a lot of energy. usually tyler and i would just watch some tv series or a movie or something... i suppose i could watch some movie that we have that he isn't interested in? i'll figure it out. perhaps work on darcy's baby quilt (that's right, still not finished) or read a book. i think movie and quilt will win. and then try and get a good night's sleep.

you wouldn't believe how hard it is to GET a camping spot if you haven't reserved it months in advance. my mom and i went out to ellison to find the boys a spot early this morning and get it all taken care of while they were at work... we got there no later than 8:30. there are like 20 ish spots that are first come first serve and cannot be reserved. we drove around for a while looking for one that said '30' on the little marker, meaning they might be packing up and heading home today. there were very few. and what a lot of people had done (which i hear you are NOT supposed to be able to do) is already arranged it with the people there, and the signs just said 'TAKEN'. total bummer. we found one, and my mom got out to go and ask the people if they were heading home today... and as soon as she got out of the car, another woman walked up and said they had been there since 7 and were waiting for the people to wake up. it was a double spot, and she said they needed both. we were kind of annoyed at that point. when we talked to the camp attendant, he said they don't get involved and it is first come first serve. we could see it getting very pushy and aggressive very quickly. so we decided to go out to the campground that tyler likes to go to - evely. it is just a forestry campground close to fintry. nice beach for swimming though.

we found them a spot right on the lake. and the park attendant was MUCH nicer and more helpful, and had a system to make sure that order was respected and first come first serve really happened. we set up the tent. and headed back home. my mom was CERTAIN dean would complain that they weren't at ellison. but when we told him the story, he thought it was better we got the spot we did. the only one with a complaint was andrew. oh well. he can suck it up. tyler says they are having a great time.

i have been feeling boring and gross looking again. sick of my clothes. sick of my hair. sick of my whole look. too lazy to wear make up. too lazy to wear anything other than jean shorts and various tank tops most of the time. nothing excites me about this. i talked to tyler's sister about getting a hair cut. she is going to try and fit me in next week i think, which would be GREAT. i told her i needed to definitely clean my hair up, and other than keeping some length... i was totally open to any suggestions on how to spice things up. i don't know what i want. i never know what i want. i like hairdressers who TELL me what i should do. usually i have fun hair cuts. it hasn't been cut in like a year though... aside from my bangs. which i actually cut myself the last time, and i didn't do the BEST job... but what can i say? i'm not a hairdresser. i used to just hack my own hair when i started feeling this blah feeling. at one point i had the best mirror situation, and i could see the whole back of my head. it worked out alright for a while... until we moved and i didn't have the great mirrors and totally botched it. i vowed to never cut my own hair again. i also went through a phase of cutting my friends hair. i thought for a little while about going to hair school... and for some reason totally dismissed the idea. i think i could be a great hairdresser.

my friend tamara is coming into town tomorrow evening. we're supposed to hang out. i don't really know if that will ACTUALLY happen or not. you never know with her. but it would be nice. considering i am sans tyler tomorrow night too. she said we could talk about some wedding decorations and plans together.

truthfully... i am feeling overwhelmed again and not sure AT ALL what to do. i am having such a hard time with the whole big picture stuff. and figuring out how exactly we are going to pay for everything. we have to rent bathrooms, because everyone using the bathrooms in my mom's house isn't realistic. tables. chairs. and all that stuff is expensive. mostly the portable bathrooms. what colours am i going to do the table cloths? napkins? what will i have for center pieces? is this all going to look good together? or will it look cluttered and tacky and not classy? I DON'T KNOW! and its stressing me out. i couldn't get the big picture for colours for dresses and stuff either, until i found a picture that had all three of the colours i wanted in one image... and then i knew what colours i wanted. even now, i doubt them and how they will look executed the way i will.

agh.

need to stop worrying probably. i'm sure it will be fine.

i keep thinking back to the first wedding pictures i fell in love with, when all of my online wedding lurking started. it was so simple. black white and red. almost nothing on the tables. small candles and some red flower petals. thats it. white chairs. black table clothes with a black on black stripe. perhaps black table clothes. white chairs. and just some small candles and peacock feathers in a vase on each table. yah? any thoughts? something you have seen or thing would look nice? i sort of have an idea of how we can build the tent and make it look really nice. i feel pretty good about that. and i think it will work to make it with clear plastic (vapor barrier). and i THINK i just want to have twinkly lights under the tent. maybe some white round chinese lanterns or whatever (you know what i mean?). what do you think about that? any ideas? simple?

... and i think that is just about where i'm at.

midnight madness!

midnight madness is when the waterslides are open until midnight. the theme this year is lady gaga (yuck) and it is happening tomorrow night. i want to go, despite the awful theme. we might have extra tickets at the radio station. which would be sweet.

not only am i on an ongoing search for the perfect shoes for the wedding, a pair of little gloves, but ALSO... a hair style. i also need a new 'do just in general. any suggestions anyone? something you think would look good on me? without cutting it all off... because i want to keep it longer. it has been a LOOOOONNNNGGGG time since my hair has been this long, and i feel like i need to do something with it that i haven't been able to do. ya know?

i got the first thing that i ordered on etsy. i was super excited. they are FANTASTIC feather earrings. although my mother so kindly told me they look weird with my still slightly stretched holes, i like them and they make me feel much better about my ear situation. they're really cool. i have gotten a few compliments on them already. i am excited to wear earrings again. i haven't been able to wear pretty and dangley earrings for years. about 6 years to be exact. and before that, i didn't anyway. they weren't cool. but they make me feel so much more feminine and pretty. just that little bit of something special.

i don't really have much to write about... tyler and i finished the 4th season of dexter. i was really mad about the end of it. so lame! i am really putting a push on to finish the baby quilt i have been working on since MAY. thats right. MAY. the baby was born the end of april. i suck. but i HAVE to finish it. so i will. very very very soon. i also a disgusting mountain of dishes in my kitchen to clean. they have been sitting there for a while now. we ran out of dish soap and i kept forgetting to pick it up. finally i got tyler to do it so i would stop forgetting... now just to find some time?

my mom and i have been making meals together, which is really nice. we pre did all the stuff for bombay roll ups and made white bean and tomato soup. i froze a bunch. it was really good!! i actually have a bit of a selection in my freezer, which is nice. we are making veggie burgers, saigon salad, banana bread, and something else tomorrow. its nice to have good homemade food done before hand so i can eat something that isn't awful for me (or super fattening). and my mom and i work really well together in the kitchen. we picked some raspberries this morning. two flats. one each. we're also supposed to make jam! i looooove raspberry jam. but not the store bought kind. too much sugar. gross. homemade is the way to go!!

anyway... i'm just random babbling now.

ps. i THINK i have a derby name that will be accepted. pretty stoked. i'll let you all know when it is accepted!

good finds!!

help me out here with some opinions! (sarah... looking for your input... and everyone else). stuff i have been stalking out for the wedding...

super cute gloves

pretty awesome shoes

and, although i know they won't match, i have to share these!

i like these too. but they also wouldn't match. agh.

these would match. but i wanted a colour that would pop...

and i think i am in love with these... oh wow.

... and thats all i have for now.

heatstroke.

yesterday there was a big party for the osrda, okanagan shuswap roller derby association. this included a 4 hour float down the river in enderby, followed by a bbq. i managed to convince tyler to come for the float down the river - neither of us had ever done it and i really really wanted to. it was a beautiful day... and once everyone got organized, we started floating! everyone tied together with rope to stay in a big group... but... a little ways in we were kind of all over the place. i have no idea how it happened. tyler and i were grouped with a couple of girls that i know, and a coach from edmonton who is here to help us with drills and stuff.

it ended up being 6 HOURS. and we were soooo ready for it to be over by about halfway. we got back to the house we were having the bbq at around 7:30, and then tyler and i had to wait for the truck with our stuff to come back there. luckily our towels were in tyler's truck at the house, so we had those. we are both burnt (tyler much more than me). last weekend i burned my front. this weekend it is my back. haha. and its only where i'm not already tanned from working with dean... so my lower back, and my thighs. i should be alright now though... for the rest of the summer. by the time we had all our stuff together... we went home. it was kind of a bummer because some of my favourite girls on the team, including erin, didn't come to the float so i didn't really get to hang out with them. tyler and i, as usual, felt a little bad leaving trystan there. i don't know if he really knows anyone. and it wasn't really his kind of scene. it wasn't really mine and tyler's kind of scene either...

shortly after we left, my headache set it. heatstroke. agh. i didn't drink enough water. we got home, i made myself have a shower (because i got swimmers itch last weekend... ew) and just went to bed after chugging some water and filling up my water bottle and putting it beside the bed. i didn't sleep that well. i felt really gross. when i woke up this morning (at 5:10 for work) i thought the headache had left me. boy was i wrong. as i settled in for my shift it hit really hard... i just kept drinking more and more and more water. it has mostly gone away now. i have finished 3 of my water bottles full of water. starting on my 4th.

i can't wait to go home and nap.

remember kids... wear sunscreen and drink lots of water. avoid being in the sun between 11 and 4 for too long. and don't go floating down the river for 6 hours. agh.

cherie currie.

the biography i ordered arrived monday morning. i was REALLY excited to get it. i have almost finished... that's right, i've had it for 3 days and i am almost done reading it. it has been a really easy read, and i am just sucked right in and so interested. i hate when i read books that i am really enjoying really fast - i get so bummed out when they are finished.

i've actually been feeling a little bummed out in general lately. i'm not working for my parents and i have A LOT more spare time on my hands. i need to be productive in a meaningful way. i have been feeling like i don't really do much that means much lately. my job can be really depressing for me sometimes. especially lately i have been on overdrive with my music finding, and not only the finding, but reading up on. i have been learning so much about groups, new and old, whole movements (riot grrl). i need an outlet for those things. i was talking to uncle doug about it... he said i should start a music blog. i think i might just poke around for a bit and check out some other music blogs and get some ideas before i think about tackling it. i also had it suggested to me to make some podcasts... but... i'm really unsure about copyright laws and if i can put music on a podcast of my own? i have a bunch of stuff on it... but it is such a big grey area!! none of it really makes sense to me... but a podcast would be cool. it would be like my own radio show... except... not on the radio. hah. maybe a couple people would listen to it??

i tried for so long to make blogger work on the computer at home, but it just won't. and tyler tried to deal with the issue, but it didn't do anything... so... just blogging at work i suppose.

wedding stuff hasn't even been happening lately, which freaks me out. there is so much to do. my mom and i planted some flowers, but... the sheep ate them! which is REALLY discouraging. like... i want to make things look nice, but... it feels so impossible. i guess i am generally discouraged about it. we tried having some work parties to get the yard worked on and asked our friends to help... 3 people showed up once to help us. and 1 the next time. thanks friends. truth is, we don't really have that many friends in vernon anymore. and most of our wedding party (save 2) don't live here. they're either in calgary or vancouver. and when they come to visit, they have family to visit and want to go to the beach... so... naturally, yardwork is last on their lists of things to do. i realize that my vision of the wedding might just be impossible, and that makes me pretty sad. there is just so much to do... and i can't do it all alone. wanting to make all the dresses is a lot of work. i'm starting to wonder, is it worth it? i want things a certain way... maybe i should just give in and say whatever and have things look normal and nice.

its a depressing thought. normal and nice.

i have been getting a bit better at the gym. or going, that is. i still don't necessarily know what i'm doing there. oh well. i feel good after i go. i feel accomplished.

i have been kinda bummed about having to take my plugs out of my ears. i feel normal and boring looking. i need earrings. i don't have any that aren't big. so i found some REALLY COOL feather earrings on etsy this morning that i got really excited about. i want to order them when tyler and his credit card are home later this evening, haha. i also found like 100 peacock feathers for pretty cheap on there. good to know where to find them (i have been looking around town for a while, finding nothing). those could come in handy for wedding decorating too.

if anyone wants to come and visit the okanagan - tyler and i have a spare room you can stay in. the catch is that you have to help us with some yard work! hahaha.... i'm sure there won't be any takers and a rush of excuses. whatever. had to put it out there, right??

cherry bomb.

i'm at work, so i'm not listening to that song, but if i was at home i would like to be listening to it. tyler and i wanted the movie 'the runaways' about joan jett's band in the 70's. i loved it. i mean there were big holes in the movie, as i found out later, but i completely enjoyed it. i was really interested in the group and what happened. the movie was based mostly on cherie currie's biography, and joan jett was involved in the making... so most of the movie was about them. i ordered the biography after watching it. pretty excited for it to arrive!! the movie comes out on video on the 17th. you should check it out!! i also acquired a bunch of the actual runaways albums after watching the movie. their biggest single was probably 'cherry bomb' and i love it. probably is your cup of tea... but i love it. i love girl bands.

last time i wrote i was VERY frustrated with things. they have gotten better since then. in fact, tyler cleaned the whole house in anticipation of my friend charlotte arriving on friday while i frantically drove all over the place gathering ingredients for my mom's birthday cake (i was VERY lucky to get some strawberries at the farmer's market!). haha. he didn't wash the dishes... but... he did the bathroom and vacuumed everything and made the house look presentable.... although it all needs to be done again now. agh. dear weekends, why do you make my house so messy?

yesterday was BEACH DAY! during which, each of us acquired a nice sun burn (in varying degrees...). my super white thighs are pretty red... thanks killer shorts tan. and my feet, from my cool shoe tan from washing windows. haha. oh well. it isn't AWFUL. just a little pink. but it was BEAUTIFUL at the beach yesterday. we went to one of my favourite spots, charlotte, tyler, and i, and literally hung out all day. we got there probably around 10, and didn't leave until after 4. we floated. and went swimming. and enjoyed a few snacks. brodie and dan joined us for the last couple of hours. we all joined up and floated in a pack in the middle of the lake. i haven't had enough beach time this year... that is only my second time out!! i'm going to have to make it happen more often... so to avoid the pinkness!

i have discovered a fantastic snack food to keep around, to avoid eating things totally unhealthy. trail mix! its delicious. and the nuts are totally good for me. protein! i picked up a big bag from the bulk food store, and added some dark chocolate covered cranberries. its delicious.

i haven't gone to roller derby in 2 weeks. i feel a bit guilty. i will be there FOR SURE on wednesday. but i have been going to the gym more regularly, which i am proud of myself for doing. i don't mind it really... its just a matter of finding time to go and not have to rush myself. because there isn't really much of a point if i am rushed and don't actually have time to work out, right?!

and charlotte leaves this morning. and life goes back to its hectic yet boring self tomorrow. back to the gym. clean the house. cook some meals. so on and so on.

it has been a rather crappy day. or rather, everything has just piled up and i feel like trudging along is just getting harder and harder.

last week was INSANE. it started with work monday evening at the station. and then i worked washing windows tuesday. followed by a trip to kelowna to see tyler's friend. wednesday was more window washing. followed by roller derby. by the time i get home from derby and shower, there isn't time for anything else. its bed time. and i usually just barely have enough time to eat dinner before derby, if i'm lucky. and it isn't a real, well prepared, delicious and nutritious dinner... its whatever i can grab that will fill me up before i go to roller derby dinner. thursday was more window washing. enough time to shower and again grab whatever i could find that was fast before i had to go to the station for work. friday was the same as thursday, except after work at the station i went skating for a bit. i found a pretty good spot to skate outside that is also close to my house. saturday i had a remote at the bell store. and then i told tyler that i wanted to go to the beach and i would go with or without him because that was what i really wanted to do. lucky for me, he agreed. and then sunday, i was up for work at 5:10 am and worked till 11 am. we went for breakfast when i got home, and then painted the chicken coop at my mom's. for the afternoon we just watched episodes of dexter because i didn't think i could move at that point. my body hurt after all the working and derbying i did all week.

so today it was back to work washing windows. and i am tired. and it was hot. really hot. and especially muggy. i had sweat dripping down the side of my face. i looked pretty gross altogether, actually.

i get home. shower. tyler comes home. he showers. i tell him he has to go out tonight and get a loaf of bread so that he can have a lunch tomorrow because we can't afford for him to buy a lunch again tomorrow. i haven't had time to go grocery shopping so he will have to just make do with peanut butter and jam. and whatever fruit is left in the fridge... i think there is an apple. and maybe a granola bar left. he complains, of course, about having to get a loaf of bread and says he will just starve tomorrow. which is annoying. i know he's "joking" but he is actually very upset with having to go get a loaf of bread. and then he discovers we need to find somewhere to buy cat litter from pronto (because we use wood pellets and the fare stopped selling them). which makes him more unhappy. he hates going out in the evening, and his argument is that he worked all day and he just wants to relax. well... i work all day too. and i work in the evening while he sits at home and plays world of warcraft.

i feel like i have to do everything or it won't get done. or it will be done the easy way with way too many corners cut. i haven't had a chance to do the dishes and clean the kitchen in a while. the laundry is piling up. we need groceries in a bad way. and i haven't been to the gym in like a week and a half. eating crap that is easy to grab and go, and not having time to go the gym because of my stupid working all the time schedule... its just making me gain more weight. and i feel disgusting. and i'm stressed out. and i can't get everything done. and i have to work enough this week to make enough money to drive down for grandma b's memorial. and i am supposed to be playing in a slow pitch tournament this week too which we don't have enough players for, i haven't had time to make my costume for (and i have to make tyler's too, of course), and when i am not there for the friday night game and the sunday play off part... we won't actually have enough girls.

i just want to sleep for a year and forget about everything that i am supposed to do right now. why can't someone else do it? don't i get any help?