i feel like this morning could be a good time to write about some things that i have been thinking about for a while now. things that have been bothering me, actually.
when i was about 12 i started to sing. i guess i had always been singing... but... when i was 11 or 12 i sort of discovered i was perhaps good at it. dean helped me with this, learning songs i could sing and spending hours in the evenings with me, playing guitar so i could sing. i even got to go to jam night at a local place and get up on stage and take my turn singing the songs that dean and i had learned together. i would get to skip the first half of school the next day because my mom said that my musical education was as important as my academic education. i loved going.
all through high school my plan was to be the singer in a band and to pursue music as a career. it was what i loved, and i had few doubts that it would take me places and i would achieve something. i wanted to make something of myself. i guess, i wanted to be a big deal. and i believed i would be.
since then i guess i have had a few things that i fell in love with and wanted to chase after. and i did chase after a few things. when i was 19, i moved to montreal. i was enrolled at lasalle college for fashion design and very very excited about it. i moved with my then boyfriend, which was my big mistake. while in montreal i met some awesome people, both through school, and a few through the music scene there too. i really wanted to pursue music while i was there too. it was a world of opportunities for me. i loved the city. but my personal life fell apart. and it felt impossible to stay and try to make things happen. and so i came home, before feeling like i had managed to accomplish anything. i felt like a big failure. i felt like i blew my one big chance to make something happen for myself.
since then i have moved to vancouver, which was a mostly a miserable experience, and calgary, where i met some fantastic people. and i have ended up BACK where i started. i have basically completely let go of my dreams with music. i almost never sing, especially not in public. i can't play an instrument and that really limits me. i don't really sew anything ever. which scares me because i have taken on the task of sewing all the dresses for my bridesmaids... i feel like i am just settling into a normal, boring, average life. sometimes i have an overwhelming feeling of disappointment with myself because i thought that i could really be something great. so what am i doing in this small town doing nothing? i work at a little local radio station, playing music i really don't like.
i guess it is natural for your dreams and plans for the future to change, but i just feel like i lost mine. i feel like i don't have any anymore because i just crashed and burned so hard.
i have always just wanted to be the best at something, and i'm sure everyone feels that way. i know i am good at things, but there is always someone better. i want to be the best. at just one thing. anything. i feel like i am always just mediocre at things. or awful. but everyone is awful at something. i've never come in first. never had the highest mark. never been the fastest. never been a big deal.
and maybe now i can stop thinking about all this and dwelling on my failures.
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Don't give in to your discouragement! You can still do those things. I think you could be amazing as a singer in a band. Or any of the other passions which you have. I've often felt like a failure too--I also felt, growing up that I had potential to do great things. It's never too late, really.
ReplyDeletei agree with bethany. it sounds like it's time to resurrect your dreams. sounds like they're knocking hard to be let out. anyone i've ever heard of who became great, had crashes and burns and felt like at times, they weren't going to make it or they failed. it's a normal part of becoming great. i know you have greatness in you. i can see it seeping out of your cracks ready to be let loose.
ReplyDeleteOh Eryn! I hope you can let go of being the 'best' at something because that is a comparison thing and comparing yourself to others is so useless. You just need to be the best YOU. You are amazingly talented and you always have been and you can still do all of those things. Sometimes when you grow up, what is important changes and it isn't so single-minded any more - like having a relationship with someone as awesome as Tyler is important, too. But you need to not give up on yourself and what you want. You just need to be creative in how you achieve it. You can still be a singer if you want to be and there are lots of singers who don't play instruments. Or you can still get into fashion design. And don't worry we will get the sewing done on cozy late fall and winter days - with soup simmering on the stove....
ReplyDeleteI agree, give up on your so-called failures... how many times does a baby fail before it learns to walk? It doesn't fail... it learns to walk... mind you, you didn't take your first step until you were certain you could do it perfectly.... and you used to cry in frustration when you were learning to roll over.... somethings about our personalities never change from the moment we are born... but in the end, you rolled over and walked and you will figure this out, too.