so here's the deal.

this is a hard blog to write, but i think it is the best way to just say what i have to say.

tyler and i have split up.

there are lots of reasons. and yes, this is for sure, and it is for good.

i don't really know what i want to say about it right now, but i know that i am going to be okay. i am going to get through this. for me and my life, i think this is a good thing in the long run. it just really sucks that this is the way that things have to go down. i am being true to myself. doing the things that make me really happy. and i don't want to spend my life with someone who isn't supportive and tears me down for the going after these things.

i'm moving in with my mom for november. i am applying for a job at the peak in vancouver next week (but it is a real long shot... but who knows... maybe the timing is just right for me and i will get it and it will be meant to be... we'll see!) . and my plan is to move to france in the spring for a few months. followed by school next fall for radio.

there. now everyone who might read my blog will know.

i'm back... again... haha.

i have been trying to figure out exactly what i would like my blog to be called. and what exactly it should encompass. my mom said i should practice and have a bunch of entries just already written up. i think that's a good idea. she is really trying to push me towards writing about music. but... you know... i don't really feel all that qualified to write about music. i am not a musician. i don't play any instruments. i have never written anything. but... i am a very dedicated and devoted LISTENER of music. haha. does that count for anything? i just don't know that it counts for enough.

i read this article yesterday that got me really excited and got my brain going for a summer project. my friend in montreal has a daughter who attended this camp last year (they quoted her, ava hosson) and will be going back this year. the idea for the camp is just amazing. i always feel a twinge of jealousy when i see programs like this for kids these days - especially girls, because there was NOTHING even remotely like it when i was a kid. i think i would have benefited from it.i have never wanted anything, and i mean anything, more than to be in a band. if my job could be music (and not just playing mediocre to bad music by other people over the airwaves) it would be amazing. although, i will admit that watching the voice this season jealous has crept up on me over this one girl's voice. juliet simms. i WISH i had her rasp and raw rock and roll persona. and she is just KILLING it in that competition. i love her songs, but... at the same time i just get so depressed and overcome with jealousy. i wish that was me. i don't know how to make that me.i don't actually think my voice is special. i have one of those other voices that were eliminated earlier (or didn't even make it on the show) that is good... but... nothing special or different.

and i know... my mother will argue otherwise. but mom... you're my mother. you think everything about me is special and amazing. its just a part of the job description.

again jealousy crept in on me this morning when i was reading my friend's blog. he and his girlfriend (also a friend of mine) are travelling right now an 'around the world' trip. they started in africa. and they have been all over china. and thailand. and i am not really sure where they are going next... but they have several more months before they come home. i feel like i am wasting my life sometimes here in the okanagan. living where i have always lived. doing the things that i have always done. essentially... nothing all that interesting. working and trying to make enough money and get ahead... but never really ever seeming to get anywhere with it? increasingly hating my employment situation more and more. it just gets to be less and less fulfilling and more and more frustrating.

i need to be self employed. i need to get the blog thing going already.

anyway... i want to try and get enough people together to make a girls rock camp in the okanagan this summer. i would try and do it the beginning of august. i have asked amy if she would be interested in doing it with me (teaching piano). she doesn't think she is qualified or skilled enough (everyone should help convince her otherwise - haha). and it would be an awesome way to have her come visit for a while this summer AND make some money at the same time. and i really think it would be fulfilling to help empower young girls with music and encourage them to explore their own creativity with it.

i know i would have appreciated that kind of thing when i was young. from anyone OTHER than my mother...

maybe its just a downer day at work. or i just have some issues to deal with. i just want change really badly. i feel in a rut.

easter treats.

i have been writing a food blog here for the radio station in association with my food feature on sunday mornings. i have really enjoyed it (and that is in large part what has encouraged me to start my own blog project). the recipe for homemade easter treats is something i found on another blog, actually. last night my mom and i tried them out, with some of our own additions. we skipped on the turmeric and the yellow yolk centers altogether. we tasted the mixes for the middles, but we only tried one whole one with the chocolate and everything. as i predicted, they are much like bliss balls - which i am VERY excited about considering bliss balls are my favourite sweet treat (and they're rather expensive).

so we started out with just the original mix in the recipe to see what they would be like. and it was delicious... so then i started playing with it. the first one i did was hazelnuts and cranberries. that's the one that we tasted. delish. then i did almonds with matcha and coconut and cranberries. they were really not sweet... not sure if i liked the combo. but we covered them in white chocolate and i am hoping that will give them the sweetness they need. or maybe they will be perfect for someone who is not that into sweet stuff. and the last one (which i liked the taste of the nut mix the best) was pecans, coconut, and dried blueberries. SO GOOD. i am excited to try these with the chocolate.

i kept the basic recipe the same. they all have the maple syrup, coconut oil, dates and oats in them (although we actually used a 7 whole grain mix). and then i just added things and mixed it up. i highly recommend these. i'm actually thinking i am going to make a bunch and have them as snacks, like where you might have a granola bar. my mom and i were thinking about using things like pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds too. i'm excited about it!

try them out... super easy. all you need is a food processor. have fun with the shapes and let me know if you come up with a particularly delicious combo!

new project.

i know i know... i never write. and so my next project will probably baffle most of you a little. i have decided that i would like to start a blog with which to earn a profit. i am still working on details for content and name and all that, but it is in the works.

i really want to create a way to be self employed and not be tied down to a location. tyler and i have plans for the next few years, and we don't want to stay in one place. we want to spend a few years traveling around working and whatever else we feel like. probably teaching some english in non english speaking countries (france, germany, italy... you get the idea) and maybe trying some other stuff in places like england, scotland, and ireland. i am REALLY excited by the adventure of this idea. my little heart has a hard time swallowing the fact that i have to wait likely two more years before we can take off and make it happen.

sometimes i have dreams that i am sitting on the grass in this little square in paris where we went with antoine. and it is much like it was then... kids playing in the water of the fountain, other people sunning on the grass, and tyler and i are talking and smiling and generally enjoying ourselves and the day. everything is beautiful and warm and i am bursting with happy.... and then i wake up and am in vernon and it is cloudy and the buildings are generally ugly the language is boring and the food is the same as always. i am usually genuinely depressed for the rest of the day. other times i actually fight off an urge to cry.

and so i am working on a plan to make this life more attainable. a blog. a great way to be self employed AND to be myself and not have to contain certain parts of myself or pretend i am into things i am not really into (ahem... top 40 music). the name i am thinking about is "the other life" i don't want to limit it to just one topic (food, fashion, music, lifestyle etc). i want it to encompass everything that i am passionate about, and all in their alternative way. the alternative way of living in all ways.

i have been talking to my friends who do web design... and it seems the best way to start it is on a free blog site... but i don't think i like the limitations of blogspot. but i don't really know what else is out there? bethany, do you know of any that are a little less limiting with design options? and maybe would you help me with a skin or design or whatever for my little blog project once i get it going?

i have also been talking to people i know with similar interests to me and maybe a little more knowledge in specific areas. casey is taking environmental sciences in school, and she's vegan. suzanne is uber crafty and into baking and homemaking. jayme is a whiz in the kitchen and with natural eating and nutrition. they have all expressed interest in doing guest posts, which i am excited for. i also know some people in bands (and although i haven't asked) i hope to do some interviews and stuff like that.

i'm really excited about the idea... excited to be heading in a specific direction that i feel makes more sense for me and what i want for myself. after much frustration with my current employment situation and aspirations, i realized some things. i realized that i will never get what i want from my job. i realized that no major market radio station would give me what i want. i discovered that in order to get a radio job with cbc, where i think i would actually enjoy it, i would have to move waaaaaay up north and work my way up. i don't think tyler is willing to do that. and that would mean giving up my travel and adventure dreams and being stable somewhere. and based on my dreams and how sad they make me... i don't think that would really make me happy.

i may be looking at doing some stuff at one of the stations in more of a promotions role, which would be awesome and would put me working along side someone who has some really good ideas for how i can get this blog thing going and making money with it. so... yah.

lots going on with me... as usual.

i am going to try and do some blogging every day just to get on with the regularity of it and writing all the time.

also... if you need some music... my march playlist, and august 2011 playlist are both up on my 8tracks profile! check it out. heart the playlists you like. follow me (thanks laura!).

searching for new music?

i have recently discovered 8tracks.com and its AWESOME.

my friend charlotte has been bugging me to make digital playlists instead of burning cd's and mailing them... soo... i finally put in the effort.

you guys can follow me here and check out all the playlists i upload!

so far i have december and january up there.

yay... music sharing!

torn.

i love when i get to play songs on the radio that i love. like this awesome 90's track...

i'm working in kelowna today. its so grey. so very very grey.

there is a remote on for a jewellery store. valentines and christmas always seem to baffle me when they are trying to sell you on spending hundreds of dollars on the most materialistic gifts - painting women as these superficial barbies who will be unhappy with their husbands/partners if they don't get somthing pretty, sparkly, and expensive.

diamond stud earrings are the last thing i would want. in fact, i don't really expect a gift from tyler at all for valentines day. i would much rather just have a nice dinner and do something fun together. we don't often take the time to do fun things just the two of us... it something i am always wanting to change. but it never seems like there is anything to do. i was really excited because we were planning a date night for tonight with sarah and kyle and my mom and dean... but... i realized like two days ago that i have to work tonight. total bummer. and it bums me out even more that my mom and dean and sarah and kyle are still going. but i hope they have a good time.

and now... i am going to carry on with my all day, all night work day.... it is basically just going to go on forever. with a small break to sleep, before i have to be back tomorrow morning bright and early for more WORK!

another easy sunday morning.

easy sunday mornings seem to be getting less and less easy in the music department. it doesn't really sound that different from our regular programming. and, believe it or not, i actually prefer the easy programming.

anyway...

i have finally gone back to bootcamp! yay me! greatest loser 7 started the week we went to mexico, so i missed that week. but then even the week after we had come back i couldn't motivate myself to go. so... as far as the office greatest loser competition, everyone has two weeks of working out on me. on friday i did some pretty intense exercises that i didn't think i could have done. even kelly was impressed - she tried one of them as an experiment. so that was cool. and i did some glute work outs... and actually, but butt has hurt SO BAD all weekend. haha. every time i walk... it hurts. along with the work outs i have been working really hard on eating better. and tyler has had really off and on work, so we are living on a pretty tight budget. its amazing how much money you save by eating simply. i have been eating so many carrots and hummus and celery with peanut butter. mmmmmmm. and eggs. lots and lots of eggs. even tyler is getting really good about making himself dinners. he created some tuna pasta dish the other night with a creamy sauce that he made with coconut milk. makes me feel good when he cooks himself good tasting things and doesn't complain about how i never make dinners and he's hungry and we have no food. did i mention i live with basically myself at 14?

been practicing my guitar, although not as much in the last week because i have been busy with dance classes too. but my first 3 fingers on my left hand are hard on the ends thanks to some callouses i seem to have developed. but this means i can play for longer without my fingers hurting. so i can't really complain.

it is FREEZING in studio this morning. and reading amy's post about planning a trip to hawaii just makes me more and more bitter about how cold it is in here. i have done too much traveling in the last 6 months to be content with how it is here. i just want to be somewhere else. somewhere warm. somewhere different. somewhere you can walk around the town and just look around and enjoy your surroundings. i am over vernon. over it a long time ago, actually.

stumbleupon.com has motivated me to create a home space that i actually enjoy too. like laura talked about in her post about finding a nice place and moving. i deserve to live in a space i enjoy and that reflects my personality and makes me feel good to be in. so i am on a mission to create that... on the cheap, of course. tyler has brought home some cool stuff off the side of the road. he found these two very interesting lamps (which i had a hard time deciding if i liked, or disliked... but i decided they just needed some new shades). i saw this really cool tutorial where you print pictures on velum paper and then stick them around the lampshade. so we are going to use pictures from our trip to cover the lamp shades and then put them in our living room. the other thing he brought home is a chest of drawers (i think is the proper term?) which we are going to turn into an entertainment stand (i HATE our current "entertainment stand" which is just a wire shelf - it shows all the cords and just looks so tacky). tyler isn't working tomorrow... so his job is to build the top row of drawers into a shelf (for xbox, dvd player, etc) and then i will sand it and paint it... and we just need to find some nice new handles for the drawers. i'm excited. its going to look really nice. i think i am going to paint it white, with maybe some green for the inside of the shelf. or maybe... i will find some cool wall paper for the inside of the shelf. haven't decided completely yet.

i also saw this really cool homemade couch made from pallets! it is a big sectional like the one we have... so the base is pallets, and then you get some nice thick foam and make cushion covers and voila! the pallets provide some storage for magazines, video games, books, or whatever else you want to stick in there (storage is always an issue in our house). AND... the best part... is the cats can't scratch and destroy the frame, like they have to our current couch. so i am on a mission to collect a bunch of pallets - which i also have at least two other projects for.

i'm excited. i feel like things are all falling into place now, and i am back in control of my life and my time. working out. eating better. creating. and doing things that make me happy too. its all good!