from her lips to god's ears (the energizer).

i made a decision yesterday. i decided that i would really like to go back to school for fashion design. i feel like the last time i tried it, i didn't give it my best. my situation was compromised at best. it wasn't the right time for me. i've gotten really excited about it lately. i want to start working on all kinds of projects even on my own. i feel determined... now i just have to hang on to that want and not give it up to laziness or fear. i want this. i really do. i think i could be great at it. i want to be great at it. and i haven't felt excited about something like this for a long time.

i've looked into programs. there is only one in the okanagan - its in kelowna. but its a private school and i couldn't get a student loan for it. it does sound really cool - only accepts like 12 students a year or something. but... i'm not really looking at that as an option. tyler and i have been talking about moving to calgary when he's done his apprenticeship. so i looked into fashion programs in calgary. i didn't find a single one (well thats a lie - there was one fashion marketing program at some random college i have never heard of... but fashion marketing isn't what i want to do). in my head it kind of leaves vancouver, toronto, and montreal. and montreal isn't an option just because i know how hard it is to work there. and neither tyler or i are fond of vancouver. we've both lived there, and have no desire to go back anytime soon (or ever). so... toronto. which could be really cool. i have a couple of friends there. it IS the only major canadian city i haven't hit (aside from quebec city... although i sort of wrote that off with montreal). when i was in grade 12 i actually REALLY wanted to go to toronto. i was looking into broadcasting programs there.

the idea of toronto is both exciting and scary. i know i have a long time to go. it wouldn't be until summer/fall of 2011. but i need to pay off all debt i have and get myself ready for it. i think it gives me about enough time to do that. tyler brought up we can move with his truck and get a trailer (he likes to bring up how useful that truck is... i think it makes him feel better about spending so much money on it. haha).

in the meantime, there is a girl i work with who is still in high school but looking at going to fashion school after. she sews and designs stuff on her own now. her and i have been talking about getting together to do some projects. she made this dress with a corset top, and she wants to show me how to make it. i'm pretty excited. i also contacted a friend from when i did go to school to see if she would send me a copy of all her blocks for pattern making and stuff (apparently marilena threw mine out when she packed all my stuff... she probably had no idea what they were). i want to make some time to do all this on my own. i think i need to. i want to make things that i'm proud of and will enjoy wearing.

this line of thinking actually started probably after sunday funday (which didn't turn out super fun...) when tyler and i went shopping because i was determined to get a new shirt i could wear with my purple leggings. it just resulted in me being extremely frustrating and feeling awful about the way that i look. i'm a terrible shopper. i always imagine these awesome things i want to wear, great outfits, and then i can never find anything even remotely like what i want.

i need to just make these things i want to wear.