i always enjoy this song. its by a band called the magnetic fields. and its actually a guy singing. you don't often hear guys singing about being openly gay. i think its interesting. and different.
today is day one of my two days of cleaning and putting the house together before my birthday party. but i am finding myself horribly unmotivated. i actually just got out of bed. i got up earlier, like i usually do, at 6:15 to make tyler's lunch. but i was relieved to not have to drive him to work so i could take his car, and just go back to bed. i worked it out. i got about 11 hours of sleep.
the truth is, i'm feeling rather unsettled about my birthday. and i actually, gasp, don't want it to happen. i don't want to be 23 and still doing nothing worthwhile with my time. i don't want to be one year older and one year more pathetic. last night i got quite upset about it. so many thoughts going through my head it was overwhelming. thinking about all the things that i would like to do and be. so many things i always said i would be and do. and now i am thinking it is totally unrealistic and isn't going to happen ever. i'm impatient and a perfectionist. i don't want to wait to get good at things. i want to be good at them right away. and when i'm not, i get terribly frustrated and give up or just get really really mad at myself. the words hack job were being screamed at me by my brain. hack job when it comes to sewing. cooking. singing. writing. anything i WANT to be really good at.
in terms of career i would like... i guess i am still waiting for something to hit me on the head and me to fall in love with it. i am still waiting to find a job i enjoy every day. i am still waiting for something i find so interesting and intriguing that i want nothing more than to spend hours a day learning about it until i have a diploma or certification of some sort. i have had a million brainiac ideas, only to be replaced by a million more the following day. or sometimes just hours later. i think i love and dislike everything equally. i feel like there is no place for me. no place that i could just fit into. and this scares me the most. so what? i am just going to end up doing NOTHING worth while my entire life? really? thats so pathetic. i don't want to be that person.
i wonder if people younger than me think the same of me that i would have thought of me when i was 18 or 19. 'well its fine. they're cool. but i will for sure never end up like that at that age.' so naive that kind of thinking. i feel bad for being so judgemental. or maybe the problem is that i am still that way? that i am still thinking that of people like me, and now realizing that i am myself that way. and there doesn't seem to be a way out.
so really... as much as i love my birthday and the attention, and everyone being nice to me, and being able to get away with things if only for a day... i kind of wish that i could stay 22. 22 seems to be still safe to be figuring things out.
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I think that we get it pounded into us in school, and just the general culture that we live in, that we need to have everything figured out, like, RIGHT after high school. That's so not the way it is! Finding out how to be happy takes time and experimenting. I get agitated too sometimes, thinking about all the things I want to do. You just have to realize that everything ISN'T in a big rush. You have lots of time. TONS of time. Don't let that feeling of being rushed and of time running out discourage you. Besides, who gets to decide what "worthwhile" means? What does doing something "worthwhile" entail? Having a career? I don't think so...I think that's a big fat myth. I think careers are distracting time sucks for the most part. I mean, you can find something you love to do, but you'll probably get over it and want to change to something else later. Anyways. I'm TOTALLY rambling. I guess my point is that you shouldn't stress about stuff like that. most of that stuff is you just thinking you need to do the stuff that society says you need to do in order to be happy. When really it all has very little to do with happiness. You need to find something that makes you feel fulfilled, and that can be TONS of different things.
ReplyDeleteANYWAYS. I think you're awesome, and cool, and have a lot more figured out than other people I know. I think you should just keep doing things you love to do and let that lead you down whatever path happens to open up from it.
hehe. ok. I'm done now.
Well, that is what I learned about judgement it ALWAYS comes back to bite you in the ass. You just can't judge someone without judging yourself. Its impossible. Hey, when I was 23 I was a divorced single mom who had dropped out of University. You're doing WAY better. And you know, no matter what you choose to do, it isn't great everyday. Even if you love what you are getting a degree in and there are classes that are inspiring and enlightening, there are also classes that are a slog and that seem pointless (are in fact pointless) but are a hoop you have to jump through to achieve what you want. And no matter how much you love your job, there are days you don't want to do it or people who get on your nerves or stupid political things. Its just part of life. That's how it goes unless you live in a Disney movie or something. And it is also how you learn and grow sometimes, too - by understanding why things bug you or helping you clarify what is really important to you or even just learning patience, tolerance and how to let things go. It has to be okay to be you because you, after all, have no choice. This is your life. No one else's life is quite as 'easy' as it appears from the outside. Everyone has stuff.
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